December7; Nightmares from the Past

7:26 am

My husband cheated on me before we got married. I never disclosed this to anyone but my psychiatrist. I know it would hurt my mom, my sister, my best friend and they would be worried about me sick while I live my life here in America with my husband. I really can’t hurt them.

It’s been three years since. I still have nightmares. Last night I was crying, fighting, running all night in my dreams and woke up crying and feeling exhausted. My dreams are really vivid and realistic, often I have lucid dreams. I love exploring my dreams and learning about this unknown territory. The only downside of it is when you have a nightmare, you really have to live that nightmare.

I relived the pain, betrayal, heartbreak all over again last night. The painful sensation and shock when I first found the text was all over me again. I couldn’t believe it after what we’ve been through, it happened again. No, it didn’t happen, he did it again.

But just like my reality, I don’t seem to be able to run away. I can’t run away from doubts, self-hatred, sadness and him. More I tried to run away, stronger the force gets pulling me from behind like I’m trying to get out of the huge magnetic field and I’m stuck. Or I’m a fly on a super sticky fly trap.

My painful memories were being replayed with different, new details. Every time I’m reminded, I feel like I’m a stupid moth running into the flame that will burn me in pain.

I used to think of women and men who forgive their partners who cheated on them unwise, truthfully, stupid.  It’s like holding onto the trash that’s smelly and nasty, cheaters. People always say “Once a cheater always a cheater”. The Korean version of that would be “You will give your habits to your dog”. It’s sarcasm that you can’t break the habits ingrained in you.

Did I get married to him not knowing this? Feeling stupid and doubtful, still I couldn’t leave him after many attempts. I could sense there was something special about our connection. But who am I to judge that? I thought it was special, he still hurt me more than anyone ever did and I’m still suffering from his selfish actions.

I don’t want to live my life as a victim. All we have is here and now. I can’t stop nightmares and random memories popping its ugly head in my mind. But I have control over myself. And maybe this is why Yoga, Religions and philosophers say we need to detach ourselves from everything else but ourselves. Go in deep to find the truth. You can’t find the truth outside.

No matter how painful it is to deal with the past, I still love him. While I acknowledge that I can’t control him, his actions will still very much affect me and my life. Just like everything else in life, we can’t stop miseries, misfortunes, mere accidents from affecting us. Everything happened for me to be here writing this right now. As long as I decide I accept my self and am happy with myself now, I have hopes to reach the state that everything I do and say comes from love and I don’t live in fear and doubts.

All I can do is to control myself to be the best version of myself. Everything else is out of my hands. I feel strong and healthy because I have the control.

Nightmares will come back to me. I will have to relieve all those memories that hurt me to my core. Maybe I still haven’t forgiven him for what he did and myself for staying with him. I hate myself for not walking away when the voice in my head tells me, “Men are the same, all they want is to hunt a new, exciting target and spread their seeds”. I don’t seem to find a theory to fight that argument back.

Would we have been better off if I were able to walk away? Maybe. Maybe not. What I know is the past three years have been amazing and my life transformed. I have compassion for those who got betrayed and I want to help them on the healing journey through Yoga, Meditation, positive self-reinforcement.

I remember the night in Nice. I was traveling alone in this vacation town in the winter time. I sat at the beach one night and looked at the light house and airplanes taking off for a long time. I felt complete and alone at the same time. After I saw 32 airplanes taking off in the interval of one minute and twenty seconds, I walked thinking about how alone we all are. And all of sudden in front me, there was a beautiful carousel. My heart filled with joy and happiness at the new discovery.

I wouldn’t do anything differently as I learned countless valuable lessons on the way and became who I am now. I choose hope that will lead me to beautiful places, not fear.

 

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